I had a brief experience with Mattie this afternoon that made me think. I have not been feeling myself for the past few weeks. Just not "me" and this annoys me greatly. When I am not "me" I feel like the universe of our home is altered. Dock gets weirded out because I'm quiet (yes, that's more the exception than the rule) and my kids (who don't miss a beat) notice too and somehow react by becoming more clingy. And then it becomes the chicken or the egg debate as to who's fault it is we're all a little off balance!
So today I woke Mattie up from her nap to go get Avery from school. Mattie was VERY sleepy and as I carried her to the car she wrapped two soft little arms tight around my neck and buried her head into my shoulder. That was the most comforting moment of my day. And, in that moment I felt the most "me" I've felt in a while. I am a mommy. I like who I am as a mommy and it felt good to remember a piece of my normal "me-ness".
By now, you know I love a good application so here goes: Where can you find a piece of "you-ness" today? Maybe this is a season you wish you could bury yourself in a hole and only come out when it's done. Maybe this is an awesome season, but you're busy and all of who you are is tied up in all you do. Maybe you have no idea what I'm saying and that's ok - you probably are not alone.
That moment of feeling like myself reminded me that grieving will pass. One day it will not hurt to remember Lauren like it does now. One day saying her name will not bring tears to my eyes, and the biggest "one day" of them all...One day I'm going to see her again. The truth is, in light of setting my mind on things above (like I've been learning lately - see Col. 3:1-2) I'm really not myself anyway. Scripture says when we see Him [God] we will be like Him for we will see Him as He truly is. None of us in Christ are our true selves yet. That's to come.
If you do not believe in Jesus, trust me, I understand wondering about the reality of heaven and even at times, wondering if the whole story of the cross and the resurrection could really be true. I understand, but boy do I believe. Each time I have asked God to show me that He's real - He has been faithful, and He will be faithful to you in the best way for you, too. If you do not believe in Jesus I want to tell you something that I could not stop saying in the days after Lauren suddenly passed away: "You have to know Jesus. You just have to" - because when life gets really hard and there's stuff that happens you can't explain - all the roads you take to find the "meaning" of it or to find out who you are will just lead to nowhere and nothing. They really will, and I'd stake my life on it.
I hope you find a moment in your day to feel very "you" and that you like who you are - because God loves you for you. He staked His life on it.
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